Kind of like enthusiastic consent enthusiastic social engagement invitations are not the same as passive or silent asset to host/ failure to resist a self-invitation. Im personally a massive introvert and dont really like house guests much at all, but I always thought it was on me to deal with that, not to expect other people not to do things like ask to come over and so I thought the LWs friend was being a bit harsh in reprimanding her rather than just stating her personal boundaries. Most times its a yeah or no but well be home in an hour, go on and let yourself in. Inviting yourself over to people's places is frowned upon, at least in many Western cultures. Have at. You cant really pop by her work unexpectedly and hang out for two hours; shes got stuff to do, and you both know that the visit needs to be kept short. If the guy doesn't seem interested in your suggestion to get together at his place, let it go and move on. Perhaps the best way to do this would be to communicate that you are unable to attend, but are thankful for the invitation. Absolutely. My very best friends know I am a very messy person and in the past tried to convince me that they didnt care (but I care!). Personally, Im of two minds on that. It was so helpful having the Captain unpack the dynamic of that sort of exchange. Just be honest, if you are inviting her to be physically intimate then make sure she has all the hints and please just make sure she knows that you like her in that way. This discussion is squicking me out because it is introducing doubt where there doesnt need to be any. The lounge would be where the family relaxed; the reception room is where you would receive visitors. Mentioning that you are getting married in a month and are busy with wedding planning, in the course of some other conversation, is hardly a taunt. You could say Im going to go to X Comic Book Store that day, want to join me? Youre not inviting yourself along on their day, youre inviting them along on yours. In more structured situations (like my wedding) they arrived in event-appropriate attire with their inside voices intact, consistent with their middle class upbringing and higher education level. I stopped by home between shifts and got the message, but they had already left home and it was before cell phones existed. Its all about the relationship you have with the person and where you are in your life. Inviting a girl to your place is no other than getting her on a date, but because the date will be at your place it has more implications to her than going for a coffee. A no is a no. Shit like what you describe would scar anybody, and good for you for talking about it openly. Oh, thats a good point. Not every surprise visit was unwelcome. I *will* mind if they then invite themselves into my house, which I may or may not have cleaned recently, and the 10 minutes turns into 2 or 3 or more hours of unplanned socializing. But the script Id suggest for other events is, Cousin, this is really awkward, but we planned for a specific number of people and Im afraid we just cant have you over this time. In the other case making plans was nearly impossible and incredibly inconvenient, so dropping by felt like a nice surprise. I love hiking." Hope to catch up soon. And then let her be the next one to reach out. But usually those friends are limited to the small number of people who have seen me ugly cry. I agree I dont want someone showing up at my house unexpectedly without calling ahead. I moved a year ago partially to be closer to friends; after making suggestions and having them declined or canceled at the last minute, over and over again, Ive told the Brom that if hes offered a transfer out of state, Ill start packing today. I hate drop-ins, for many of the above reasons. If put on the spot they may feel too uncomfortable saying no. I once traveled to my old uni town to check out my old haunts (also birdwatching. My life doesnt accommodate drop-ins, and if any of my friends did that, Id ask them not to. But I also think that its one thing to set boundaries with friends and family, and another with people you are intimate with because even if youre not actively cohabitating, not having the kind of relationship where you can share space would feel very alarming. If you were invited, youd already be invited. Lets say you were completely wrong when you showed off your new bicycle, and lets say your friend told you so. So. Though, this also means they have to be willing to take sorry, I feel lame, could you come back another time as an answer, or be willing to futz around on their computer for a while if Im in the middle of a nap. What Im trying to get at is that it was fine because Third Person inserted themselves, rather than because big expensive things get a pass.. But with more scheduling and perhaps busier roads and less societal tolerance for kids walking somewhere by themselves, maybe the amount of arranging that a kid can take on at a given age and ability level has decreased. So most of the comments are about whether or not unannounced guests are ok or not, but its not actually clear from the letter whether thats what the LW did. If not, the guide on how to ask a guy out on a third date would be a perfect read. Its like that one time Johnny England went a wandering without saying when that one time was. I really, really need time to myself, and someone showing up to my house unexpectedly, no matter what, makes me feel uncomfortable and encroached upon. She suffers from anxiety and depression so I understand why this is but finding a balance between pestering her and having any contact at all is proving hard. I am finally on track to maybe getting hired on full-time at a law firm at a low (but better than nothing) salary. They were birdwatching haunts). I would only drop by a friends house unannounced or just-announced in extreme circumstances. As you can tell from examples in this thread, there are lots of different preferences on stopping by, and lots of ways for miscommunication to happen but none of them justify yelling, sarcasm, or belittling. Anyway, its experience that suggests to me that his anger, the lack of proportion in its expression, and the total non sequitur of you not respecting his work (Ive shown up early at peoples work, they tell me to grab a magazine and wait) when hes not working, is 100% not about you. Thank you for this post! It should never sound like you're begging to come over to his place. I was shy, awkward, and lonely until my mid-twenties and created this site to be the kind of guide I wish I'd had at the time. I have optimized getting MY needs met and didnt even consider whether or not it made you feel uncomfortable., Let me help you be more efficient by removing one social obligation from your list.. (Im sorry I have a lot of issues around this sort of thing ahahah). If an event just seems like the organizers want to keep it small. You may also send him a quick text message expressing your excitement to meet him and casually confirm the date ahead of time to verify the arrangements are still on track. I would have a lot less anxiety about visitors if I could trust people to listen to what Im asking them to do in my home, whether thats taking shoes off by the door or sitting the fuck down when asked to. I work in an open plan office (which I hate but deal with), so during work hours I just assume people are going to walk up to my desk and want something from me. Here's when we do it. Keeping a lot of lies straight is a very stressful endeavor. (closes door, puts in earplugs to block out resulting temper tantrum, goes back to bed) I know, but like I said up thread, Ive had a couple of friends in the past who would in fact regularly cancel that close to whatever-it-was, so I got in the habit for a while because I couldnt trust that plans were real. Its definitely been the type of thing where they expect four people to join them for their birthday dinner and BAM, Clueless Cousin is there already. So we talk about plans past and future all the time and we expect people not to be weird about it. *I am the ocean* I mean, most of the time I expect people to at least call ahead, unless an emergency occurred, but to ring my doorbell after dark when you said youd be here in the early afternoon, without an explanation, is ridiculous. Yes, arkadyrose, thats true. Shes even walked in the front door before when we didnt answer her knocking quickly enough. To go to his door Id have to find a parking spot (often tricky, could be blocks away), pay for parking, walk to his door, and use the buzzer which just calls his cell phone anyway! Don't expect him to have everything you need. [deleted] 11 yr. ago. We dont have enough information to know whether this was appropriate in the context of the relationship. What was once acceptable dropping in randomly, a friendly chat over the mail, etc. Lets see I have body pump at ten stop at the store home at noon, shower yeah how about one, one thirty? do not show up at 12:30. I *definitely* wouldnt invite myself to someones house in that situation (even if in years past it seemed like I was welcome to do so). really, i would be careful of discussing plans you made with someone who wasnt invited, partly to avoid hurting their feelings, and partly because, as someone else mentioned, its just not that interesting if youre not involved. Does anyone else feel really weird even discussing plans with someone if you arent inviting them to join you? All the needs to happen after that is showing up, right? Showing up 10 minutes early to a business appointment shows organization and interest and a willingness to wait respectfully in the lobby until theyre ready for you. But I also know which of my friends are ok with it and which arent. In some cases, it might intimidate the guys, since in this situation you are the one leading the dance. The etiquette of invitations varies widely as to region, culture, relationship & history, personality, not to mention cellular phone ownership and use, and its a particular minefield for people who have anxiety around and/or trouble reading nonverbal or unwritten social cues. And try not to do it too often, and make more of an effort the smaller number of people will be there, but at least they know that its a possibility. but people are not always logical. Sometimes we had a great time, or got to catch up quickly when both of us had been busy. The picture Im getting is that LWs friend is trying to redraw some boundaries and doing an sloppy job of it. I love short-notice hangouts, with close friends or family who I feel comfortable saying no way, my house is a sty and I wanna have a nap to if I need to, but hearing a knock at the door when Im not expecting anyone makes my blood pressure skyrocket. I really disagree with that, for two reasons: 1. When will it be? sent a text saying they were in the neighbourhood and was it ok to drop by, that (as the Captain says) is totally not the same as inviting themselves over which is what the friend has accused them of. Copyright. Hey, these new gaslights I bought, arent they great? Im inattentive-type ADD. NONE OF THE REST OF YOU ARE INVITED. Whether inviting yourself tosomeones house is just fine ornot okay in general, you have information that dropping by this particular friends house is not okay. Im in the area. Is asking. I was always transgressing somehow and he would get so angry, and I was always left thinking, wow I have no idea why we are in this situation. I find this thread reassuring and helpful. I came down to help full-time, 24/7, with my grandmothers care; sadly, she died a while back. Also works for anything else youve been asked to schedule in advance. Members of my family have actually used my disorganization as the butt of jokes (probably out of the misguided belief that they can embarrass me into becoming a neat freak), and then they wonder why I refuse to let them into my home. You are not stupid. Answer (1 of 6): "I'm sorry, but I wasn't aware that I'd issued an invitation. This. No kidding. Surely thats just cleaning? To me it reads a bit like the way that some people think all eating is shame-eating: like, in an ideal world, we would all just exist on sunshine and oxygen, and would be beings of pure air and never need to wash our clothes or our living spaces, and any need for calories or the removal of dirt is something to be ashamed of. so definitely think you are spot on with your advice and response here, especially about letting her be the one to reach out next. Golden. Of course it only works with a host who isnt too shy and self-conscious to actually ask me to leave. You were a little kid. Maybe its kind of odd that I still havent been able to give them their Christmas present by March!), knowing that I was That Person please-will-she-ever-go-away. I dont mind close friends stopping by, especially if they call/text/email first to let me know theyre in the area. If shes been increasingly distant, maybe theres something else going on. When you mention your leaky faucet or wonky DVR, and he offers to fix it, say yes and. I dont understand it. noticing the feeling So when I want to go hang out with him Ill message him (skype, steam, facebook, or text) and say hey is x date/time ok for me to come over and we can watch really amusing horror movies (we find scary stuff to be very entertaining). If the guy were my boyfriend, not just someone Id gone on a few dates with, it would either be fine or, if Id wanted to do something before everyone came over, mildly annoying. Come for dinner tonight at 8:00 is an invitation, Come by later is Hey, glad to see you, we should catch up at length soon. I havent spent time in Brazil, so I dont know if thats a Brazilian thing or a dudes-who-grew-up-with-M-specifically-where-he-grew-up thing but it is a real thing, and M. has had to rethink and clarify it for American friends now that he lives here. And then people wouldnt call, and theyd say things to me later like, Oh, I didnt hear from you so I thought you didnt want to get together. So frustrating, as is that other Northern California custom of texting someone on the day of an event to say, Are we still getting together at X time? Well, of course we are I agreed, right? Well, is he Northern European or from the Northeast Atlantic Archipelago? Its so dependent on individuals. If someone says, Hey, this was a special event and you werent technically invited to it, she throws a tantrum. Any advice anyone wants to throw my way is welcome. A little heyyy Im gonna be about an hour or so late! wouldnt go amiss, would it? That being said, I would check in with yourself and ask, are you still spending solo time with your friends? Or if theyre not ok with it, Ill bring a book (well I bring one anyway) and sit in my car and read until its suppose to start (because suppose to and actual are different times and that seriously bothers me). Actually, when I moved to northern California from the Midwest I found the culture was somewhat like this. Are you going to start showing up at my home when I was counting on alone time and I look like a raggedy doofus because Im wearing an old tank top and a sports bra?.