It hurts my heart to read about accepting him. Being honest and open about your marriage problems is painful, embarrassing, and even shameful for many women. Wanted to be a motivational speaker to others.all gone.Reversed back 3 months ago,no explaination ,told me hes not alcoholic and is fine.Intimacy is extremely difficult.I get turned off all the time and it holds for days. the thing is he works mon fri. and he makes it his business to go drinking on weekends, i would call him and beg him to return home and spend time with me and he would say ok hes coming then 3 hrs later i got to call him again, when he finally returns home he destroys the house, hes throwing the table, knocking down stuff and says hes going to kill everyone, i pick up my Bible and pray and he stops, but still talks like hes given up on life, says hes frustrated etc. what a load of crap. You might think none of this will have any effect. My father was a violent alcoholic. Of course, your husband is the only one who can decide how much he will drink, and how often. If your husband wants to recover, you and he might learn about harm reduction together. For instance, eating and drinking are two of the best ways to slow the absorption of alcohol into the blood system. Ive done the acceptance thing, Ive lived my life and been busy with kids etc hoping he would step up too and change a bit. I did direct conversation with my husband when I saw he was having drinking issues and also when he had any tensed situation he use to drink. He is a terrible role model, and there are also the screaming fits of rage, and his tendency to throw things and overreact. I come home to him having cuts and bruises. How to Love and Live With an Alcoholic Boyfriend http://theadventurouswriter.com/blog/how-to-love-living-with-an-alcoholic-boyfriend/. I have never been a big drinker but basically stopped drinking 6 years ago after a serious illness. You said yourself that you realised you cant take advice from a therapist who doesnt have a good marraige, well i find it hard to take everything on board when you dont have kids and havent experienced what its like. If he is hiding his drinking, how can I praise him for drinking less? In the foggy, shame-filled logic of early sobriety, I felt guilty. I do not want to be with him physically as well. Hed never do AA or a therapist. I love him so much , he is my best friend but he does not want to change or even hear criticism. I feel awful for ruining Christmas and every holiday due to my husbands drinking problem. Have you read or listened to The Empowered Wife? He is now constantly angry at me and acts as if he hates me. Ive tried over and over to tell him how I feel about his drinking and it hasnt had any long lasting affect. Thats exactly itits lonely. He gave me shit about drinking (a deflection of course snd I knew it, so I quit for a while and still dont drink like I used to). My husband drinks every day. I know you dont want your husbands drinking to be justified, but I am saying they have a reason for always going overboard when it comes to drinking. I was inspired to write this article when I was working in a residential recovery program for men who are alcoholics and drug addicts. I just thought it took me 30 yrs to get that way. Yeah right. Luckily this type of behavior by your husband is not intentional, and accidents happen. *BTWIve decided not to drink at all in hopes that it would influence him to cut backor stop altogether. Im not too interested in Al Anon, either. Rather than that we both took few steps, he reduced his drinking and I accepted his drinking in controlled way. Lonely! By taking care of yourself (appearance, meditation, doing something fun you love to do etc.) I have a drink or two every now and again and am paying for his liquor most of the time he wants to use my card to get drinks and its becoming expensive because he drinks it up in a day or two. I really dont know if I just overreact when hes drinking more than a couple because Im scared hell become an alcoholic like his mother or what? Oh my word. I feel every emotion in every word you wrote. He had asked me to tighten our budget, so when we sat down to go over it and I told him what I thought would be appropriate to spend on his personal needs, we got into an argument over his drinking. i feel if you continue to behave like this, i wont want to be with you. There are no easy tips or ways to help an alcoholic husband, and I cant give you the support you need. Those days are just further and further apart. It may be the amount of alcohol that he consumes and his behavior when he drinks that embarrasses you. This morning I tried writing him a letter explaining how his actions make me feel and the fears I have about the future; he has yet to talk to me about it; Im sure he is upset with it. If your husband is the one who really needs to change, this is a great option for you because he doesnt even have to show up but he will be responding to you much better. Lonely and just well lonely. I have also never seen him drunk. Some wives choose to leave their marriages when they believe their alcoholic husbands wont or cant turn to God or a Higher Power for the strength and they need to recover. If he is choosing the bar stool with his best bud instead of the dinner table, then he can go right to hell. You will learn more about your wife, how to deal with her, but more importantly, how to cope. How else can i present him with positive affirmations to help him Solve the problem? I dont drink often, but when I do, I go huge. Terms & Conditions | Privacy Policy | Website Accessibility Statement, My Husband Never Stands Up For Me (How to Handle? He doesnt always shower. Thank you- this gives me hope! 2) If the embarrassment happens once in awhile, let it go and ask yourself if this is part of the persons personality. In fact, he did more to hide it from me. If youre not married but you are dating a guy with a drinking problem, read How to Love an Alcoholic Boyfriend. Me and my husband have been married for almost a year. My stress levels sky rocket when I know he is coming home. I love that you focus on what a wife can do instead of how to change him! When my husband called him years later, he won't get back in touch with us.) Some people have a Dr . And worried about myself . Dont clean up after him. In addition, counting drinks and extending the time between beverages is an effective way to control overconsumption. So the drinking is now my fault because I was in the phone with family??!! When I was 21, I dated an older guy (he was 30) for a couple of months. How could I? The very first thing I was told was that I could not prevent him from drinking and the second thing was that I needed to learn to practice acceptance and to treat him with respect. Reach out to rescue them only when they seek out help. Kerry Neville, Contributor. Earlier Id let him sleep through or somehow cover up for him however, now he demands my children to get his bottles or car keys or wallet if I hide it. The embarrassment is a result of her fear that others will think badly of him or more likely will think badly about her. The more you learn about addictive behavior, the easier itll be to decide if you should give up on your alcoholic husband. These signs its time to leave a marriage destroyed by alcoholism might help you see your own situation more clearly. Thats great advice. Author John Gray says its like this: When a man does not feel loved just the way he is, he will either consciously or unconsciously repeat the behavior that is not being accepted. An alcoholic cant overcome the disease of alcoholism by himself or through willpower. I grew up with an abusive father with drinking problems and i dont wish my now 5months old daughter to experience that. For instance, lets say he wakes you up at 2 a.m. when he gets home, and you cant get back to sleep right away. No thank you. I would suggest you commit to two months regardless of what your wife decides. Im tired and exhausted and I dont know what else to do. 7 Reasons Why Your Boyfriend Stopped Calling and Texting, Is Your Husband Using Facebook to Cheat on You? One of the interesting things to me as I follow your suggestions is that I am beginning to recognize the difference in reacting and responding, to understand the ways in which I have been being disrespectful and how to change them and all of this make ME feel like a nicer, happier person. Its also important to get the support you need. But even if your husband does do some embarrassing things while drunk, there is a possibility you are hyper-aware of it, leading you to feel worse than you should. I disagree with this article. Especially in these unprecedented times. Hoping this helps. Here are 15 things I have learned by being the only sober person around. Hes never had any consequences for drinking so much.has a great job, gets up for work every day, never has a hang over, never gets mean, has never had a DUIbut Im starting to see the toll its taking on his body and our bank account. I kept my distance and continued my duties as a Mother and Wife (minus any physical relationship). !weird I think its insecurity . He point blank denies he has a dependency on it. Your advice may work for a misbehaving child, to compliment them when they are behaving well, however, I believe you are doing a grave disservice to the women who follow your advice & their children whos lives are impacted by the daily destructive behavior of a social drinker, binge drinker, alcoholic, whatever label fits, to everyone around them. It scares me. I could not have discovered this post at a more perfect time. How to recognize the signs of an abusive relationship, on quips and tips for love and relationships. Join the waitlist for The Ridiculously Happy Wife coaching program here: How is that going to improve your situation, you might wonder. If you observe that your husband has a strong need for alcohol, cannot manage his drinking, exhibits withdrawal symptoms, and consumes alcohol despite health problems, he may be an alcoholic. I dont believe in God. I have tried everything before my baby comes but now i really cant handle this anymore because i have to take care of my daughter and feel like i have 2 kids now. Anonymous. Its very much like the statements in your blog and often helps to bring about a positive change. Im really afraid I will just be judged and looked down on if I try to join Al Anon. and become happy wives. Its scary to think about, because weve all heard about the financial, emotional, and health problems drunks cause themselves and their families. we broke up then we got back together, he was good for a while we got engaged then he abused me again we broke up then he got his family involved to beg me to return, i did and after we got married he hasnt abused me since. A few other symptoms are: Drinking early in the morning. I have been with my husband for 10 years, married for four, and he has a drinking problem. Everytime it crushes me and every time fight he promises to stop the abuse and drinking and does ok of course he never stops. Alcoholics Anonymous and Al Anon depend on a person having a belief in a higher power. It's 2am. I pray constantly for guidance and the ability to raise him up instead of accidentally knocking him down. I find that I have become to resent seeing him with a beer in his hand and this critical person comes out in me toward him because of all the issues through out the years with drinking. Furthermore, eating can help reduce the amount of alcohol consumed. If you attach your boundary to a consequence you have to follow through with that. We gave a split level home and we dont spend time together at all. Im out of options because I dont have a choice. They saw the behavior all along, when I thought I was protecting them. My main problem is his dad owns a night club and I bartend there and he plays in band with his dad. Even if we hate the phrase "our other half" and the cheesy "You . This sounds like advice from the 1950s. 7 Reasons for Relationship Failure, He Cheated on You, But You Cant Stop Loving Him, 8 Ways to Rebuild Trust in Your Husband After Infidelity, Can You Live With a Husband You Dont Trust? I told him you are not the man I expected or you portrayed before marriage and I cannot just adjust for whole my life. He did. Like many of the women who posted, my husband is also a heavy drinker. Reading your article has made me stop and take a good look at my own relationship. Have I also enabled my daughters to repeat the mistakes of their mother or god forbid they turn to alcohol like their father. He just falls asleep. Thing is, Ive done the nice routine Ive never been not nice. As youre reading this you might be wondering if I have even a basic understanding about the nature of addiction or alcoholism. My first husband began exhibiting drinking problems when he was about 45. Ive thought about leaving more times than I can count but Im afraid that financially I wouldnt be able to make it with 2 kids on my own, living on one $1,400 paycheck. This is a very difficult & embarrassing question.Actually one can not sustain more then a month or two if he drinks only water.Without sufficient energy & supplements the prognosis is not good & remains only for few months.So please act . Lastly, binge drinkers are classified as men who consume five or more drinks within two hours or women who consume four or more drinks within two hours. heard. Mine drinks whiskey, too much and too often. Any advice would be appreciated. Hoping to cure the problem. I read your story and I know exactly what you are going through. It caused a stir as I tried to clean it up. Hi I am writing this thread 2 days after a friends bbq. Its manipulative and dangerous. Shternie, You are right I dont have kids. None of what you listed above has or will work on someone like this. Arent those indications that hes got a problem? One night in June, he went to a business dinner where he said he wasn't going to drink. I tried with good,and I tried with ultimatums.Nothing works!He has an extremely difficult personality where hes always the victim and turns things around to point at me.No understanding whatsoever :(. If you see this will you please give me advice or an update anything will help. How Do You Leave When You Have Nowhere to Go? He said oh I dont need them in order to stop drinking. It can often take the form of giving you the silent treatment . It is hard to have a positive self-outlook when it is hard to love the person you are married to. In constantly in tears over my husbands drinking. His first wife divorced him due to his drinking. 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