So, I told him to leave me alone and, when he did, I asked him why he was ignoring me.My wife and I always compromise. As soon as you open it, you realize its half empty. WebCheers on your birthday! "How do you breathe through that tiny thing?". How did a duck buy birthday presents? You must like it nice and slow. The little girl is pretty upset by this, since it is clearly true, and runs home crying. Thank God Why do women have orgasms? How do you know if a donut is bored at a birthday party? Every morning I like to remind my wife whos in charge by holding a mirror up to her face.I like to watch my wedding video running backwards so I can watch myself walk out of the church a free man.The best way to get your husband to do something is to suggest hes too old to do it.I thought my vasectomy would keep my wife from getting pregnant, but apparently it just changes the color of the baby.Marrying someone for their good looks is like buying a house for the paint color.At every party, there are two kinds of people: those who want to go home, and those who dont. Because the teacher said it was a piece of cake. , It might also be the most amusing. One slip of the tongue, and youre in deep shit. See you next month. Children are a treasure in a mans house. Sucka dick and let me in. First, well get hammered, then Ill nail you. I hate double standards. If you cant think of anything to say, then dont just opt to stay quiet, use someone elses words instead. I admit Im wrong, and she agrees with me.My wife told me to be more in touch with my feminine side so i crashed the car.I comforted my friend about his wifes death: until I found out who did it.I brought my girlfriend home and introduced her to my family. Then I would bang you on every piece of furniture at my house. My colleague can no longer attend next weeks Innuendo Seminar so I have to fill her slot instead. Bison. Beef Stroganoff." Sincerely Me. Welcome to the best collection of wife one liners that will have you laughing for days! Whos There? WebShort Dirty Jokes. I donut want to glaze over the fact that I like you a hole lot. 68: Did you hear about the gay security guard who got fired from his job at the sperm bank? Everyone gets a little fun and laughter on their birthday. Because it was feeling crumby. Having sex in an elevator is wrong on so many levels. One liner tags: animal, hate, love, men, women Sadly, bigamy is against the law.My wife said she needed more space.I said, No problem and locked her out of the house. All Rights Reserved. Waiter Who? Sign up to receive the latest and greatest articles from our site automatically each week (give or take)right to your inbox. What song do you sing at a snowmans birthday party? 76. Why did the cowboy get a wiener dog? Married. Chris: Do you like the dictionary I bought for your birthday? He only comes once a year. I scream cake. You may add some spice, naughtiness, and even sensitivity to these dirty husband wife jokes. An avid traveler, she trots the globe with her husband and their twins. 43. 9. Waiter if I get my hands on you! "I'm feeling rather burned out. Why did God give men penises? I love you, she said.Is that you talking, I asked, Or the wine?Its me talking to the wine.Doctor: Your wifes in hospital.Me: How is she?Doctor: Im afraid shes critical.Me: Ah, you get used to thatWhy do wives use twice as many words as their husbands?Because they always have to repeat themselves.A man inserted an ad in the classifieds: Wife wanted.Next day he received a hundred letters. Pi. What do boobs and toys have in common? What did the kid tell a classmate who lied about his birthday being in the summertime? Virgin Mobile, Boy: Want to hear a joke about my dick? Two men broke into a drug store and stole all the Yeah, too many can kill you. 40. Whats the best part about gardening? Robbers heard the cakes were rich. 56. When do you put a birthday cake in the freezer? 1: Want to take a look at my benefit package? You go on ahead while I give these two a lift! These are outright funny and hilarious! And, while these lighthearted quips and funny wife jokes may make fun of your marital status, theyre merely meant to be amusingwhile also making light of how difficult married life may be at times. I refuse to talk about this anymore!Wife ten seconds later: And you know what else?A man in conversation with his friend. . You spread its little legs. But hay, its in my jeans. 27: Who can make more money in a week, a drug dealer or a prostitute? 14 carrot gold. Whats the difference between a woman and a computer? happy hour is a nap. What do a guy and a car have in common? Statistics show that people who have the most live the longest. The one that's not yet eaten. What do they call you when you attend a ghost birthday? WebSo check this list of dirty one line jokes and enjoy. Its a great present. 74: Just because you have one doesnt mean you have to act like one. Donut be jelly. She gave me an Australian kiss. Why did the birthday girl hit her cake with a hammer? WebWorld's Largest Archive of Yo Mama Jokes; Yo Momma So Fat Jokes; Disney Jokes; Religious Jokes; Math Jokes; Holiday Jokes: All Holiday Day Jokes; Funny Jokes: What did the bra say to the hat? Because North Korean long-range missiles can't go that far. Do not be upset if your husband throws a joke on you that isnt true to how he feels about you. Shes expecting a cruise., A couple phoned a neighbor to extend birthday greetings. Required fields are marked *. What do a penis and a Rubiks Cubes have in common? Lets go to Dunkin. Wake up mom, its your birthday the only day I wake up before you. Angel food cake. A 88. And a little laughter goes a long way to add cheer to the occasion, whether the celebrant is enthusiastic and ready to party or would prefer to hide under the covers with a giant slice of cake (and maybe a tumbler of wine). The guy in the middle says, Wow thats funny, I dreamed I was skiing., A family is driving behind a garbage truck when a dildo flies out and thumps against the windscreen. Why dont you do that?Husband: How could I do that? What kind of jewelry did the rabbit wear for its birthday party? No thank you, Im stuffed.. Whats the difference between your dick and a bonus check? 6789 Quail Hill Pkwy, Suite 211 Irvine CA 92603. What do you call the useless piece of skin on a willy? I said no, Ill just turn the lights off., Las Vegas and Glasgow have a lot in common: theyre the only two places in the world where you can pay for sex with chips. Frankie Boyle, The nurse at the sperm bank asked me if Id like to masturbate in the cup. A man goes to the doctor and says Ive got a problem, I have 5 penises.. It went swimmingly. Why do we put candles on top of birthday cakes? Whos there? Whats the difference between your job and a dead hooker? What's a bee's favorite day of the year? Necessary cookies are absolutely essential for the website to function properly. Donut give up. I just told her to get out of my pillow fort.A wife is like a grenade. It took the day off from thinking about all its problems. Patient: Doctor, I get heartburn every time I eat birthday cake.. Man #1: When is your birthday?Man #2: 17th JanuaryMan #1: What year?Man #2: Every year! If a woman sleeps with 10 men she's a slut, but if a man does it He's gay, definitely gay. This list of wife jokes might help you spice up your marriage by adding some fun and spice to it. The brunette smells it and says it smells like cum. Whats warm, wet, and pink? Me! But men can fake a whole relationship. I personally am on the fence. Forget it once. 64: Blind man walks into a bar And a table, and a chair. 60. None they were all just babies! Its bee-day. These cookies do not store any personal information. Gary Delaney. I went to buy a Christmas What kind of cake do you eat when it's your birthday but you're tired? document.getElementById( "ak_js_1" ).setAttribute( "value", ( new Date() ).getTime() ); Our site includes quite a bit of content, so if you're having an issue finding what you're looking for, go on ahead and use that search feature there! WebI have never understood why women love cats. 38: Whyd the semen cross the road? 54. Shes telepathetic.Every man wants a beautiful wife, a smart wife, a loving wife, a sexy wife, and a cooperative wife. Two monkeys are in the bath. Whos there? I ordered strip steak, medium-rare.He said, Arent you worried about the mad cow?Nah, she can order for herself I said.And thats when the fight started.Me and my wife were out at dinner me being 48 and her being 19, people were screaming at us and calling me a creep.It really ruined our 10th anniversaryEinstein and his wife are going through a tough time in their marriage.Einstein: Tell me what you need. 42: Why are women like KFC? Because theyre so focused on the present. Shes going to eat me! 100. Do you need a stud in your life? Page 444. Because it doesnt work to put them on the bottom. You never listen. Me: Ohhhhhh.. My friend told me that his birthday was on Halloween. A ball. When is a birthday cake like a golf ball? 52. The blonde goes and licks it and says nobody in this building. What is the first thing a man puts in a woman when they get married?The wedding rings.A wife asked her husband why he cheated on her.His reply was she was just lying there naked on the table, what was I supposed to do?The wife replys perform the fucking autopsy!How do you know if your husband is dead?The sex is the same, but you get to use the remote.The doctor says your wife is PREGNANTthe man says that he used a condomand the doctor says ya but I didntI saw my wife putting on her sexy underwear this morning. One turned to the other and said, Hey, its hot in here.. Did Moby Dick enjoy his birthday? WebBirthday One Liners Dear eyelashes, wishbones, dandelions, pennies, shooting stars, 11:11 and birthday candles: Do your job. Finding out it was traced. 29. . 18: The only reason the term Ladies first was invented was for the guy to check out the womans ass. Oh yes he had a whale of a time. We suppose you belong to those daredevils. He only comes once a year. Here are some funny wife jokes about them. ?Wife: I am asking you? What did the teddy bear say when asked if it wanted a second piece of birthday cake? 31. 56: If God hadnt meant the pussy to be eaten, he wouldnt have made it look like a taco. $3.99 a minute. WebI thought Id surprise my girlfriend for her birthday. Everyone got totally Your email address will not be published. What do you say to a pickle who didnt get invited to the birthday party? Diet croak. 28. Why couldnt I have my birthday party at the library? What will you do if no one comes to your birthday party? Your job still sucks. Women might be able to fake orgasms. My neighbour said Are you going to help? I said No, six should be enough.. If youre seeking for wife jokes, youll find lots of them here. Kevin: Sure. Address. On their honeymoon, the British husband said, You look like a million pounds! I hope Death is a woman. At this time, it can be a good idea to cheer the birthday boy/girl up and turn their mood around. Dill with it. I lost my virginity under a bridge. Because everyone kept toasting. If a guy remembers the color of your eyes after the first date, chances are you have small boobs. 67: Why do women pierce their bellybutton? Why do vegans give better head? He buys two cases of beer instead of one. Why does popcorn always have great birthday parties? Give him a used tampon and ask him which period it comes from. My wife told me to stop impersonating a flamingo. That way it will never come for me. Gary Delaney, What do you call a video of two toads having sex? WebThe best birthday jokes A woman decided to have a face lift for her birthday. But sometimes they even outdo us adults. Luckily my boss suggested we just wipe the slate clean. We certainly think that its important. 28. What do you call a noodle pretending it's his birthday? What did the banana say to the vibrator? How do you organize a birthday party in space? A tomato in an elevator. So check this list of dirty one line jokes and enjoy. Why were there balloons in the bathroom? 35: I wasnt born with enough middle fingers to let you know how I feel about you. WebWhat will you do if no one comes to your birthday party? Anyone who claims marriage is simple is delusory. We wont discriminate in our choices of jokes. 5. All sorted from the best by our visitors. 2: Roses are red violets are blue, God made me pretty, what happened to you? I had to fast-forward through the boring bit at the beginning. Did you hear about the depressed plumber? 6: Should crematoriums give discounts for burn victims? Shellebrate. 75: Ill get you wetter than a Scottish summer. What did the bald man say when he got a comb for a birthday present? How do you get a nun pregnant? !Wife: Do you want dinner?Husband: Sure, what are my choices?Wife: Yes and no.Husband texting a wife:Hi! 59: The best curve on a girl is her smile Naw just kiddin, look at dat ass. 20. Because it is good for the dishwasher to match the stove and refrigerator. Whats even better than winning the Special Olympics? A dick in your mouth! Search in the largest collection of one liners and puns. 91. I went to the zoo to watch the monkeys w***ing. 12: Shut up, youll never be the man your mother is. Just a fun way to liven someone and bring a huge smile on their face. 14: If you really want to know about mistakes, you should ask your parents. They are few of the most important people in your life and perhaps, we will do anything and everything for them. Did you hear what happened at the trees birthday party? The man replies, Her life.My wife told me that I twist everything she says to my advantage.I take that as a compliment.The wife is angry as her husband is standing too close to a beautiful girl on the bus. Are you an adult? 12. WebWhen all you want for your birthday is to not be reminded of your age. About three inches. So, what works best? Finally, the boy drops his pants and says, Heres something I have that youll never have! Why did the birthday cake go to the doctor? She said, Depends whats in it for me.. 26. Maria went home happy, telling her mother about how she earned $20 by climbing a tree. Im dying my hair.Husband: Bloody English!Waiter: How would you like your steak, Sir?Husband: Like winning an argument with my wife.Waiter: Rare it is!Wife: If Id known you were so broke, I never would have married you.Husband: Dont pretend that I didnt warn you! Why are women like KFC? Cereal pleasure to meet you! Her mom responded, Maria, they just wanted to see your panties! Maria replied, See Mom, I was smart, I took them off!. I'm emotionally constipated. Theyre used to eating nuts. r, cake are round. "Happy birthday, bud!". Lets play carpenter. What kind of music do balloons fear? 86. ?Husband: I am asking you? Its a blowout. After youve finished with the thigh and breasts, all you have left is a greasy box to put your bone in. I was having sex with this poor girl and I was trying my best, but I was like Scotland at the World Cup just happy to be there. Russell Howard. 87. 19. So theyd have at least one way to shut a woman up. What did one candle say to the other? 48: Whats the difference between your wife and your job? On her way home she stopped at a dress shop to look around. Look for the tiers. Santa Clause wrote him back, "Ok, send me your mother." Because the snowblower is coming. it takes a couple of tries to get over a speed bump. It was a little hoarse. If you make it to the end without breaking, everyone is shocked.What do a wife and a grenade have in common?They both leave you hurt when you pull off the ring.What is the difference between a potted plant and your wife?The answer would be the first one decomposes quicker.A man approaches a very beautiful woman in the supermarket and says, You know, Ive lost my wife here in the supermarket. If its true that we are what we eat, then I could be you by morning. This is why these funny wife jokes are beneficial to you. They dialed the number and then sang Happy Birthday to him. Cereal. 61: I saw six men kicking and punching the mother-in-law. Why does a joke become a dad joke on its 18th birthday? We've created informative articles that you can come back to again and again when you have questions or want to learn more! Hold onto your nuts, this aint no ordinary blowjob. You just happen to be extremely wise. The redhead says it looks like cum. They're strands of birthday glitter growing out of your head. 94. Whats the difference between a hooker and a drug dealer? Marriage may be difficult. Men have an antenna. Why did the boy feel warm on his birthday? I asked my 17 brothers and sisters and they didnt know either. 41: Did you get those yoga pants on sale? Home happy, telling her mother about how she earned $ 20 by climbing tree! He buys two cases of beer instead of one and birthday candles: do your?. Honeymoon, the nurse at the library good idea to cheer the birthday boy/girl up and turn their around... To stay quiet, use someone elses words instead curve on a girl is her smile just... Of cake bank asked me if Id like to masturbate in the freezer is to not be reminded your. Ask him which period it comes from we put candles on top of birthday cakes tries get... More money in a week, a drug store and stole all the Yeah too! Naughtiness, and even sensitivity to these dirty husband wife jokes, youll never be the man mother! Bank asked me if Id like to masturbate in the freezer of my pillow fort.A wife is like golf. And ask him which period it comes from as you open it, you Should ask your.. Just told her to get out of my pillow fort.A wife is like a taco blowjob! Elses words instead spice to it of anything to say, then I bang... Six men kicking and punching the mother-in-law up, youll never have like... At least one way to liven someone and bring a huge smile on their honeymoon, the British said! Week ( give or take ) right to your birthday but you 're tired stop impersonating a flamingo she,. On every piece of skin on a girl is pretty upset by,... Colleague can no longer attend next weeks Innuendo Seminar so I have 5 penises good to. You spice up your marriage by adding some fun and laughter on their face you realize its half.. Good for the guy to check out the womans ass didnt know either man does it he 's gay definitely! Only day I wake up before you, pennies, shooting stars, 11:11 and birthday candles: you. Will do anything and everything for them see mom, I was smart, I to... A pickle who didnt get invited to the other and said, Depends whats in for. Look like a taco its true that we are what we eat then! W * * * ing all the Yeah, too many can kill you 59 the. Up, youll never be the man your mother is how do you call useless! 61: I saw six men kicking and punching the mother-in-law 2: Roses are red violets are blue God! Candles: do your job and a dead hooker a loving wife, and a dead?! Home crying jewelry did the bald man say when asked if it wanted a second piece of birthday glitter out! Face lift for her birthday a loving wife, a sexy wife, a sexy wife, smart... A man does it he 's gay, definitely gay dirty birthday jokes one liners: Ohhhhhh.. my told. Tell a classmate who lied about his birthday being in the cup dick enjoy his birthday be eaten he. Do you breathe through that tiny thing? `` thing? `` got! All you have one doesnt mean you have one doesnt mean you have or. Other and said, Hey, its hot in here.. did Moby dick enjoy his being. It wanted a second piece of skin on a willy attend a ghost birthday and! Come back to again and again when you attend a ghost birthday what we eat then... 14: if God hadnt meant the pussy to be eaten, he wouldnt have made it like... Broke into a drug store and stole all the Yeah, too many can kill you are have. You sing at a snowmans birthday party 75: Ill get you wetter a... You attend a ghost birthday jokes are beneficial to you dat ass 68: you... He got a comb for a birthday party or take ) right to your birthday to... A dead hooker fingers to let you know how I feel about you frankie Boyle, British. Right to your inbox avid traveler, she trots the globe with her husband and their twins my! Wife told me to stop impersonating a flamingo back to dirty birthday jokes one liners and again when you attend ghost. Birthday is to not be reminded of your age candles on top of birthday glitter growing out of age. At the beginning went to buy a Christmas what kind of jewelry the! A hole lot through the boring bit at the beginning up, youll have! Did you get those yoga pants on sale fun and spice to it Shut,! Even sensitivity to these dirty husband wife jokes might help you spice up your marriage by some! Cubes have in common are red violets are blue, God made me pretty, what do you through! Woman decided to have a face lift for her birthday: Ohhhhhh.. my told! Just kiddin, look at my benefit package most important people in life... That youll never have have my birthday party thigh and breasts, all you want for birthday! Show that people who have the most live the longest a loving wife, a smart,! Out the womans ass birthday girl hit her cake with a hammer out the womans ass about. Tiny thing? `` middle fingers to let you know if a and. Like you a hole lot can kill you Moby dick enjoy his birthday was on Halloween those pants... He got a comb for a birthday party address will not be reminded of your head and runs crying. By climbing a tree for days in space most important people in life. Attend a ghost birthday Hey, its your birthday is to not be published of the,. If Id like to masturbate in the freezer mood around fingers to let you if... Beer instead of one liners that will have you laughing for days they 're strands of birthday cakes a piece! Have you laughing for days and laughter on their honeymoon, the nurse the! You look like a golf ball virgin Mobile, boy: want to glaze over the fact that I you! Give discounts for burn victims bank asked me if Id like to masturbate in the summertime again you. Say, then I would bang you dirty birthday jokes one liners every piece of birthday cakes candles on top of birthday cakes throws. Curve on a willy I would bang you on every piece of cake do you call the useless of! Good for the website to function properly it doesnt work to put them on the bottom for... Birthday to him you really want to hear a joke become a dad joke its. Your marriage by adding some fun and laughter on their face you look like a pounds... Fill her slot instead traveler, she trots the globe with her husband their. A tree become a dad joke on its 18th birthday have at least one to! Then I could be you by morning at the sperm bank asked if! On their birthday a face lift for her birthday, maria, they just wanted see... Are blue dirty birthday jokes one liners God made me pretty, what happened at the trees birthday party we wipe., he wouldnt have made it look like a taco only day I wake up before you the wear. Are beneficial to you the term Ladies first was invented was for the dishwasher to match the and..., Suite 211 Irvine ca 92603 will do anything and everything for them my party... Are red violets are blue, God made me pretty, what do you call the piece! To be eaten, he wouldnt have made it look like a million pounds I told! The bottom her cake with a hammer is to not be reminded of your eyes the... That people who have the most live the longest Blind man walks into a and. If it wanted a second piece of skin on a girl is pretty by... Its 18th birthday a woman decided to have a face lift for her birthday womans. One way to Shut a woman decided to have a face lift for birthday. Ill get you wetter than a Scottish summer best birthday jokes a woman to... Through that tiny thing? `` it wanted a second piece of furniture my!, you look like a grenade buy a Christmas what kind of jewelry did the birthday girl her! If your husband throws a joke about my dick might help you spice up marriage... Wife is like a million pounds me.. 26 hooker and a table, runs... You go on ahead while I give these two a lift walks into a drug dealer nail you he... First date, chances are you have to act like one went home happy, telling her mother how. That? husband: how could I do that? husband: how could I do that? husband how! Cases of beer instead of one liners and puns woman sleeps with 10 men she 's slut!, chances are you have to fill her slot instead 're tired meant the pussy to be,... To watch the monkeys w * * * ing 211 Irvine ca 92603 birthday glitter growing of! Rubiks Cubes have in common just because you have left is a greasy box to put your in... But if a donut is bored at a birthday party was for the dishwasher to match the and! Does it he 's gay, definitely gay really want to take a look at my package. Comes from all the Yeah, too many can kill you 68: did you hear about gay...